Dear people in my neighborhood:

I thought a list, helpfully categorized in bullet points, might help better our relationship and promote community harmony.

1. Dogs don't like to jog. They like being petted and smelling your crotch. They also do not like being dressed up in costumes or festive sweaters. That's not a smile, I promise.

2. I have noticed there seems to be an unwritten law that everyone in the neighborhood should drive an SUV. And I realize that my two-door Buick Skylark does not even remotely fall into this category. But, could you please discontinue showing your displeasure in choice of vehicle by attaching the front bumper of your four-ton Escalade to my back bumper? The threat of being flattened distracts me from my driving. I will buy an SUV when I win the lottery. And, on a side note, why oh why McDonalds couldn't you just give me ONE Boardwalk to match one of the eight Park Place Monopoly playing pieces I now have in my possession? I visit you every single morning; dedication like that should be rewarded.

3. And a special note to the people on the corner with the holiday display that looks as if Halloween vomited all over your yard (TM sock-girlie): The thirty or so pumpkins you have "painted" with Happy Halloween, smiley faces, black cats, and ghosts have been destroyed by vandals three times that I am aware of in the past week. Please take a hint.

Sincerely,

randommuse