As part of my job, I'm supposed to be promoting Medicare's new Stop Smoking Program for Seniors.

Considering my previous entries, I'm well aware how ironic that is, so quit laughing and wipe the spittle off your computer monitor. No matter how I emotionally feel about smoking, I logically know that it's important to quit.

However, I'm having an incredibly difficult time promoting this particular program. As it was presented to those of us in the aging field, Medicare picked Oklahoma as one of its pilot states to test which methods of helping people quit smoking were the most effective. Some of the methods they wanted to test were medications (like Zyban), nicotine patches, nicotine gum, nicotine inhalers, etc. All of these would be given free of charge to participants as long as they agreed to be tracked for the study (no, not with those bands you see them put on animals on National Geographic...just agree to meet with us every couple of weeks to see how they were doing). The state would be divided up and each section would get its own smoking cessation "therapy" to present to seniors that wanted to quit smoking.

I live and work in Oklahoma City. The central portion of the state is the most populated and has the highest percentage of over 60 smokers than anywhere else in the state. Guess which "therapy" I get to present to seniors in my area?

A brochure.

That's right. If an older person hopelessly addicted to cigarettes comes to me about quitting, I'm supposed to give him/her....

a brochure. A freakin' piece of paper.

They honestly expect me to promote this when I work health fairs. Medicare expects me to stand behind a table with a sign that says "Ask Me How to Quit Smoking" and, when the seniors do ask, give them a....

brochure.

Can you just imagine an 80 year old man coming up to my booth and saying,

"Say, I've been smoking for 65 years, am hoplessly addicted, and would like to quit. Can you help me?"

Me:"Absolutely sir. Here's your brochure.

Old Man (after reading): "Um, I still want a cigarette."

Me:"Really? After reading that?! Are you sure you read the whole thing? I mean, it is trifold."

I learned a really cool trick in college. I learned how to roll my own cigarettes.

Guess what I'm going to do with the brochures?