I'm such a good, caring person. I gave free cigarettes to the two teenage boys that are doing "lawn maintenance" where I work. Nine-thirty a.m. and I've already got my "good deed for the day" scratched off my to-do list.

During one of my many "getting ready" smoke breaks (see previous entry), I watched a commercial for a medical study that needs children "suffering from depression." The commercial showed pictures of children "suffering from depression" to drive the point home and this thought immediately crossed my mind, "Those pictures look like every single school photo ever taken of me."

I'm not what you would call "photogenic." Pictures of me fall into one of two categories. First, there are the pictures that look like the photographer snuck up behind me and screamed "You're gonna die!!!!!" while the camera is clicking. My eyes are bugged out (and sometimes crossed), my nostrils are flared, and my upper lip is stretched thin over the teeth of my open mouth.

The second, and broader, category is the "dear god, did you have a major stroke as a kid" look. One eyelid (can be either eye) is drooping, my nose is running, and my lips are so slack on one side (the opposite side of the droopy eyelid) that they look like they're melting from my face.

No wonder the innocent phrase "hey, let me take your picture" sends me into cardiac arrest every time.