I hate Monday mornings. Actually, I hate all mornings, but Mondays seem to hit me the hardest. I've had free fun time over the weekend, but now I'm pulled into the work vortex so I can pay for said free fun time over the weekend.

I try to observe my morning "routine" so I can write it down for the masses, but, on closer inspection, it seems to be nothing more than a series of random acts that somehow get me out the door.

I sit on my couch for the first of many "morning cigarettes." Smokers will tell you these are the best cigarettes of the day; you've been without for at least 6-8 hours and that initial rush of smoke to the lungs is like manna from heaven. Plus, it helps me build up the nicotine levels in my bloodstream needed to get through the workday.

I stumble into the bathroom, turn on the light, and gasp at my reflection in the mirror. Considering that in my dream state I closely resemble a supermodel, this dose of reality is a bit too much to bear this early in the morning. I then hock up what can only be described as "death spit." I try to use it as an excuse to call in sick and waste the day watching incredibly bad daytime TV, but it's the busiest time of year where I work so I'd better go in today.

Then, the "routine" starts in full force: take a shower, smoke a cigarette, brush my teeth, smoke a cigarette, slap on some make-up, smoke a cigarette and bemoan not looking like a supermodel, try to find something to wear, smoke a cigarette while berating myself for not doing laundry, put on clothes that "smell clean," smoke a cigarette, try to find shoes that go with "smell clean" outfit, smoke a cigarette and wonder how in the hell you can lose a pair of shoes in a one-room studio apartment, mix a concotion of Bed Head products and blow-dry my hair, smoke a cigarette.....

I put my radio on the "easy-listening" station for my parakeet. I pretend that he's devasted at my leaving, but since his food dish is full, he doesn't acknowledge my presence.

I stumble to the door grabbing cigarettes, various work papers, my purse, keys, etc. before going outside.

I live less than a mile from work and I'm always the last one here.